


Funhouse

by KittyRoar



Category: Haikyuu!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:20:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29309478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyRoar/pseuds/KittyRoar
Summary: Keishin is guilted into taking his grandfather to the carnival.Takeda is selling hot dogs.Hinata and Kageyama can't agree on anything.Oikawa needs all the prizes.Kuroo and Bokuto run amok.Noya and Tanaka destroy things.Asahi is afraid.Tsukishima hates everything.Daichi can't wrangle his idiots.Keishin just wants a cigarette.A little bit of crack, a little bit of fluff, a lot of fun. Everyone is gay if you squint. And some even if you don't.
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh man it has been a long time since I've written fanfiction. Yet here I am, because I've lost control of my life. The setting of this fic is basically an American AU because I know literally nothing about Japanese culture except what I can glean from Haikyuu, and I don't like all the gaps in my knowledge, so I stick with what I know.

Keishin couldn’t decide who was worse: dumbass teenagers or stubborn old men. The annoying ruckus of Noya bouncing around like a pinball while Tanaka whirled his shirt over his head victoriously whooping, or Keishin’s wrinkly old grandfather croaking like an aged crow on its deathbed about Keishin’s latest defeat? Keishin would have taken a day of listening to Hinata and Kageyama screaming at each other over a day at the county fair with the old man. Sadly, Keishin wasn’t afforded the former option, and there he was, on the verge of purposely driving his car off a cliff to meet his doom because he seriously could not _take_ one more word about missed serves, failed spikes, or imperfect receives.

_“I took you to more carnivals than I can count,”_ the old bastard had tried to guilt Keishin. _“You could take me to_ one _!”_

The old man had only ever taken Keishin to the fair once, and if that was more times than he could count, then he couldn’t count how many carnival trips Keishin owed him.

After pointing that out, Keishin had involuntarily flown across the volleyball pit, and the landing on his head had convinced him to take his grandpa to the fair, a thirty-minute drive.

Thankfully, the journey was just about over. Keishin could see the fairgrounds with all the spinning carnival rides, flashing neon lights that were vibrant even in the daylight, rainbow tent canopies, and _so many_ people who would undoubtedly be screaming, laughing, and making general noise. Why the hell did his old fart grandpa even want to be here? He was too old to go on the rides or play the games, and all the greasy food would probably kill him.

Once the car was parked, Keishin gratefully reached for his cigarettes. He had been forbidden from smoking while Gramps was in the car, which abolished the only buffer between the old man and Keishin’s last nerve.

Ahhhh, the soothing toxicity of tobacco ash and nicotine. Polluting his lungs was so much more refreshing than polluting his mind with dreadful thoughts about the carnival he was about to walk into next to his grandfather.

He stopped at the ticket kiosk and shoved his hand into the pocket of his jeans to retrieve his wallet.

“I’m sorry, Sir, but there’s no smoking allowed at the fairgrounds,” the woman inside the booth told him. “How many?”

Eyes narrowed spitefully, Keishin spit his cigarette to the ground with an exaggerated “plehhh”. What bullshit. They were _outdoors_.

“One adult and one senior citizen.” Keishin slapped two bills on the small countertop and slid them through the slit in the glass. “And when I say _senior citizen_ , I mean _ancient_. As old as they come. _Way_ too old to be at a carnival.” His glare flickered momentarily to Ikkei.

“You can never be too old for fun!” the teller beamed as she handed him two tickets. “Enjoy the fair!”

She might as well have told Keishin to enjoy a migraine, blisters on his feet, and ringing ears.

“What did I do to deserve this?” he lamented under his breath.

“I want one of those wieners on a stick,” Old Man Ukai declared. “Find one for me.”

Keishin scoffed. “You want a deep-fried hot dog? Didn’t you just get out of the hospital? You’re gonna land yourself right back in there.”

“I’m healthy enough to beat you in an arm wrestle, so I’m healthy enough for a wiener on a stick,” Ikkei retorted.

“Do you have to call it that? Can’t you just say _corndog_ like the rest of the world?” Keishin groaned.

“Over there,” Ikkei pointed to a tent with a poster featuring a corndog. “Move it, lazy ass!” He seized Keishin’s arm with a relentless grip and steered him toward the concessions stand.

“Hey, what’s the rush, Old Man!” Keishin unsuccessfully tried to yank his arm from his grandfather’s fingers. “In a hurry to give yourself a heart attack?”

Ikkei shoved Keishin up to the counter. “I want a milkshake, too.”

Keishin’s eyes rolled so aggressively that his irises disappeared briefly. When they came back, he was too pissed to make eye contact with anyone, so he focused on his wallet. “One corndog and one large milkshake,” he ordered.

The cashier looked over his shoulder and shouted, “One deep-fried weenie-on-a-stick and one large moo-shake!”

Keishin flinched at the volume, and then cringed at the words. It was called a fucking _corndog_.

“That’ll be twenty dollars,” the cashier said.

“ _Twenty dollars?_ ” Keishin echoed incredulously. “That’s insane! Who’s running this racket?”

A messy-haired head wearing a smile so cheerful that his cheeks lifted his glasses popped up next to the cashier. “I’ve got the weenie ready right here!”

“Specs?” Keishin asked, trapped somewhere in between vexed and horrified at seeing Ittetsu Takeda wearing a red and white striped apron while brandishing a hot dog on a stick joyfully.

“Coach Ukai!” Ittetsu exclaimed. “Welcome to Weenies-On-A-Stick!”

“What the hell…” Keishin murmured.

“Where’s my weiner?” Old Ukai demanded, having grown tired of waiting. He reached out for the corndog Ittetsu held. “Give me that! I’m starving!”

“He hasn’t paid for it yet,” the cashier said.

“Oh!” Ittetsu broke out into a smile once more and handed Old Man Ukai the corndog. “This one’s on the house!”

“What are you doing working at a hot dog stand, Sensei?” Keishin demanded.

“What about my milkshake?” Ukai Senior interrupted.

“I’ll get it for you right now!” Ittetsu nodded, dashing back to the ice cream machine.

Keishin instinctively reached into his pocket for a cigarette. When he put it between his teeth, the cashier pointed an accusatory finger at him. “There’s no smoking allowed at the fairgrounds!”

“Sorry, Coach.” Ittetsu had returned and was shrugging apologetically. “Rules are rules.” He didn’t seem exactly heartbroken about forbidding Keishin to smoke.

Keishin snatched the unlit cigarette from his lips. He almost threw it into the cashier’s face, but decided against wasting it.

“Takeda, what are you doing here?” he asked again now that his grandpa was too busy with his weenie and milkshake to interrupt.

“My uncle is the owner of Weenies-On-A-Stick, and he needed some extra help running the carnival booth. I thought it would be nice to be out here to see all the kids having fun.”

Keishin sincerely hoped he didn’t run into any kids having fun.

“Do you want to have a wiener together?” Ittetsu asked. “My shift is over in five minutes. We could eat a couple weenies and enjoy the carnival. That is, if I’m not intruding on your…er…family time.”

Keishin needed nothing more than he needed someone to intrude on his _family time_. Ittetsu Takeda was a gift from heaven.

“You know what, a wiener would be great.”

With an excited grin, Ittetsu nodded, and then hurried to whip up a couple of specially made weenies-on-a-stick that he and Keishin were enjoying a few minutes later while they strolled behind Old Coach Ukai, wherever he might lead them.

“Look at all these kids,” Ittetsu marveled at the meadow of colors surrounding, abuzz with busy youth exploring every inch. “I remember coming to the fair when I was a teenager and thinking it was crowded back then, but there must be twice as many of them here tonight!”

A puff of laughter escaped Keishin at the memory of his own teenage carnival experience. “I stole popcorn from one of the snack stands and dumped it out in the middle of one of those rides that spins really fast. It got _everywhere_.”

Ittetsu chuckled too. “A former delinquent is now shepherding the youth.”

“Shepherding the youth,” Keishin repeated skeptically. “That’s a bit of a stretch. I’d say you do most of the shepherding. I just…open the gates for them sometimes.”

“Whatever you want to call it, you’re doing a great job,” Ittetsu said. “Those kids think of you as a role model.”

“That’s because they’re still young and stupid,” Keishin replied.

If Ittetsu had a response, it was drowned out by Old Man Ukai. “Where’s the carousel? I want to ride it.”

“The carousel?” Keishin asked. “Look, Old Man. People are gonna start looking at you weird if you start going on kiddie rides.”

“I don’t give a damn how people look at me. I’m seventy years old! I could drop dead any second! If I want to ride a carousel to feel young again, I’ll damn well do it!” Ikkei preached.

“Well, you can’t really argue with that,” Ittetsu agreed with a smile. “I’m fairly certain the carousel’s this way.”

It was indeed that way, and a short while later, Old Coach Ukai was choosing an animal on the carousel. He picked a tiger, and spryly mounted it.

What a liar. He wasn’t anywhere near dropping dead. Keishin rolled his eyes.

“Hey!” Ittetsu nudged Keishin. “It’s Hinata and Kageyama!”

Keishin followed Ittetsu’s pointing finger with his eyes to see a plume of vivid orange hair bouncing up and down animatedly next to Kageyama’s tall, slender figure. The latter’s fists were clenched.

“I can’t believe I just rode a carousel with you,” Kageyama grumbled. “No more of your stupid kiddie rides, dumbass. We are only going on _real_ rides from now on!”

“But there was a giant duckling!” Hinata defended himself. “I had to ride it!”

“Just because you _look_ like you’re in elementary school doesn’t mean you have to act like it!” Kageyama berated Hinata.

Before things could get any more heated, Ittetsu called out to them. “Hinata! Kageyama! Hey guys!”

“Sensei!” Hinata chirped, bounding over. “And Coach! You guys are at the carnival together? Are you on a date?”

Keishin choked on nothing. “What? Why would we be on a _date_?”

Kageyama provided a logical answer. “Two single adults who don’t have any kids hanging out together at the carnival seems like a date to me.”

“Well two teenagers together at a carnival seems like a date to _me_!” Keishin snapped. “So are _you two_ on a date?”

“No way!” the setter and middle blocker shouted in unison.

Hinata added, “The whole team came together. We just split up.”

“And you two ended up together because you’re such good friends?” Keishin questioned from underneath one cynically quirked eyebrow.

“It’s team bonding!” Hinata explained. “Daichi said it would be good for me and Kageyama to hang out together!”

Keishin snorted. “Are you sure Daichi wasn’t just trying to get away from you two and your constant bickering when he suggested splitting up?”

“More likely he was just tired of going on stupid kid rides and wanted to go on the grown-up ones,” Kageyama glared down at Hinata.

Hinata matched Kageyama’s demeanor. “I already said you could pick the next one!”

“Fine! We’re going on the Fire Comet!”

“Fine!”

“Fire Comet, eh?” Old Ukai had returned from his bout on the carousel. “Lead the way, Shrimpy!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having the time of my life writing this you guys. I know it's really just a bunch of short drabbles, but they're fun.

The old bastard was going to get himself killed. Keishin looked up at the looming _Fire Comet_ , a rollercoaster which was literally just one circle, over and over again, at breakneck speed. His seventy-year-old grandfather was standing in line with two teenagers, awaiting his turn to be sent on a warp-speed loop-de-loop. How was Keishin supposed to explain to the family how Ikkei had died? _Well, you see, there was this rollercoaster…_

“Whoa! Kageyama this ride looks so coooooool!” Hinata exclaimed, gazing starry-eyed at the fate that awaited them. “It’s all like _whoosh sheeeew wheeee_!”

“Ha!” Old Man Ukai cackled. “Don’t get too excited just yet, Munchkin! There’s a height requirement for this ride.” He pointed up to the loading platform where a cardboard cutout of a giant humanoid beaver wearing a top hat read, _You must be this tall to ride!_

“What? No way!” Hinata wailed.

“You better not be too short for this or I will murder you!” Kageyama growled through bared teeth, looming over Hinata, threatening him that he had better start growing immediately.

“Everyone just calm down!” a loud, gravelly, and maybe even slightly grating voice rang out. “The second years are here to fix everything!”

Tanaka and Noya had arrived on the scene, cocky grins painted across their faces, ready to solve the conundrum.

“I’ve been cheating the system for years!” Noya bragged, his chest puffed out proudly.

“It’s true,” Tanaka confirmed. “Tell us what to do, master!”

There was a third person standing behind the two second years, whose face was obscured by a puff of pink cotton candy. Judging by the height, and the musculature of the arms that cradled precariously heaped popcorn balls, rock candy sticks, giant lollipops, pretzels, candied apples, and jawbreakers…

“Asahi?” Keishin asked.

“Hey Coach!” Asahi replied from behind the diabetic coma waiting to happen. “Hey Sensei! Are you guys—”

“We’re not on a date!” Keishin snapped before Asahi could utter the cursed words.

“Um…I was gonna ask if you guys were enjoying the carnival…” Asahi informed his coach.

Keishin’s mouth fell open as he tried to form some kind of explanation for his outburst. Nothing was coming to him.

Ittetsu came to the rescue. “We’re having a great time! Almost as much fun as you guys must be having!”

“Asahi!” Noya called out. “I need two packs of bubblegum over here!”

“Bubblegum, right,” Asahi repeated. He tried peering through the gossamer strands of spun sugar blocking his view, but to no avail. “Uh, Sensei? Can you get the bubblegum? I think it’s by the weenie-on-a-stick.”

“Of course!” Ittetsu moved in closer to examine the mountain of goodies. Clutched in Asahi’s right hand was the wiener stick, and resting cradled in his arm near his wrist were a few packs of bubblegum.

“Bring the wiener, too!” Tanaka requested.

“Hinata, take off your shoes,” Noya ordered.

Hinata eagerly obeyed his upperclassman without question and slipped out of his shoes. “What now?”

Tanaka took the weenie-on-a-stick from Ittetsu, while Noya grasped a pack of gum in each hand. Tanaka bit the wiener, surveying the bubblegum that Noya triumphantly held on display.

“Observe,” Tanaka said through a full mouth. He put the corndog within reach of Noya’s mouth so the shorter boy could scarf a bite of it as well.

“The bubblegum goes in the shoe like this and—voila! An inch taller!” Noya smugly demonstrated how to lay the gum package inside Hinata’s shoes, pressed up against the heel cup, to boost his height.

“Are you sure one inch will be enough?” Hinata asked, as he stepped back into his shoes, his heels lifted by the candy.

“Oh, we’re not done yet,” Tanaka assured him.

“Asahi!” Noya shouted again. “The hair gel!”

“Hairgel? I don’t think I have any of that…” Asahi said, trying his best to search his pile of sweets.

“I put it in your pocket,” Noya answered. “I knew we’d need it.”

“Sensei?” Asahi requested.

Ittetsu retrieved a small circular container from Asahi’s pocket and delivered it to Noya.

“I thought _I_ was supposed to be the bad influence here,” Keishin muttered under his breath. He subconsciously dug in his pocket for a cigarette.

As soon as the white stick touched his lips…

“Coach! You can’t smoke here!” from all five of his volleyball pupils at once.

Keishin could have sworn that his rage became actual flames that flared from his nostrils and incinerated his cigarette to cinders.

But evidently not, because Ittetsu plucked the rolled tobacco from Keishin’s mouth. “I better hold onto this for today.”

“You were just helping a bunch of teenagers break safety regulations!” Keishin pointed out, his arms flailing irately.

“Cigarettes are a _serious_ fire hazard, Coach Ukai,” Ittetsu chided him. “These guys are just being harmless kids.”

“All right! All done!” Noya cheered, stepping aside to present Hinata, his carrot-top standing straight up a la Nishinoya.

After a half-second of stunned silence, Kageyama and Tanaka burst into howling laughter.

“Dude!” Tanaka wheezed, “You look like a traffic cone!”

“You look so stupid!” Kageyama snorted.

“Ya know, maybe you guys should just give all this up,” Keishin started. “Kageyama can go without Hinata, can’t he?”

The suggestion was met with deadpan expressions staring back at Keishin. What? Kageyama, go _without_ Hinata? How outrageous! How could Keishin even imagine such a thing was possible?

“Okay…nevermind,” Keishin remitted, allowing all the utter insanity going on around him to proceed.

“Are you dingbats done fooling around yet?” Old Man Ukai demanded. “I would like to get on this rollercoaster _before_ I die!”

The four scheming high-schoolers all snapped to attention. “Yes, sir!”

“Good,” Ikkei nodded. “It’s finally our turn. Let’s go.”

“Asahi,” Ittetsu began, “Do you want us to hold all that stuff so you can go with them?”

The corner of Asahi’s face that was visible over the cotton candy cloud paled. “No, no! I’m fine staying down here with my feet on the ground!”

Keishin was far from surprised. “I only have one question, Asahi: is all that candy Noya’s?”

Asahi let out a slightly embarrassed laugh, his cheeks warming from fearful sallow to rosy pink. “Yeah.”

“You’re too soft. You shouldn’t let him walk all over you like that,” Keishin said. “Make him carry his own stuff.”

“It’s not like that, Coach,” Asahi responded. “I don’t mind it. Actually, I kinda like doing it. I guess it makes me feel…needed.”

Keishin kept his sardonic expression from Asahi’s eyes by turning away from the ace to watch his grandfather and his volleyball players load up into the seats of the rollercoaster.

“Don’t you miss being that carefree?” Ittetsu sighed.

“You mean, that _stupid_?” Keishin corrected him. “Not at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I would love to hear any thoughts you have!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself for writing this hahahahahaha

**Chapter 3**

Ikkei was still alive and kicking by the time the Fire Comet had completed a nauseating fifty loops around the track. Literally nauseating. The coaster came to a hissing half, the safety cages clanged open, and an orange streak darted at speeds almost as fast as the ride had zoomed for the nearest garbage can. That garbage can happened to be not far from where Keishin stood, thus he got a front row seat to watch Hinata bury his head in the rusty metal receptacle, close enough to hear his retching bounce around the inside of the can in surround sound.

“You are so lame!” Kageyama yelled as he ran to Hinata’s side. “No wonder you stayed with the kiddie rides!”

“At least he didn’t let it fly while we were in mid-air!” Tanaka chuckled. “Otherwise we would’ve been hit by barf rain!”

“Ah man, don’t say stuff like that!” Asahi protested. “It’s bad enough hearing him puke; I don’t wanna think about a vomit shower!”

Hinata straightened up, his top half emerging from the trash pail. He was still tinged a bit green, and his wobbly knees had him leaning against the trash can for support. A weary groan passed through his lips.

“That was…” He was unable to finish his sentence, his brown eyes lolling about as his center of gravity was still spinning along with the Fire Comet.

“Hinata, are you okay?” Ittetsu asked. “Do we need to find you somewhere to sit down?”

Hinata managed a smile as he finally finished his thought. “That was awesome! What’s next you guys?”

“All right!” Noya cheered, celebrating Hinata’s recovery with a leaping split-kick, which almost clobbered Tanaka in the head. “The Avalanche is right over there!”

“The Avalanche!” Hinata repeated. He looked to his setter. “Let’s go, Kageyama! I promise I won’t get sick on this one!”

“If you hurl on me, I’ll never toss another ball to you again,” Kageyama threatened. Nonetheless, he followed after Hinata, who trailed behind Tanaka leading the way.

“Come on, Asahi!” Noya encouraged the ace, moving behind to steer him forward with both palms pressing against Asahi’s back.

“Can’t we just go to the petting zoo?” Asahi requested fretfully.

“We’ll do that later,” Noya assured him. “We have to wait til after dark to go there when there aren’t so many little kids in the way!”

Keishin turned to his grandfather, expecting the old man to demand they follow the teenagers. However, Ikkei was standing still, chuckling as he watched them go.

Good; maybe he’d had his fill of excitement and was ready to go home and take a nap.

“Those rookies have it all wrong,” Old Ukai said. “The rollercoasters are better at night, when everything’s lit up. It feels like an acid trip with all the glowing neon lights!”

“ _You_ know what an acid trip is like?” Keishin asked doubtfully.

“I know a lot more than you think, you little chickenshit,” Ikkei replied. “Now, I want to go win some prizes. Take me to the games!”

“The games are this way!” Ittetsu was happy to oblige Old Man Ukai.

Keishin followed, rolling his eyes. “What games do you think you could possibly win?”

Apparently, Ikkei could win _all_ the games. He won a giant paper lantern at the ring toss, a swirly lollipop the size of Keishin’s head from popping balloons with darts, and a felt jester’s hat with jingling bells hanging from the points by shooting 28 baskets in 30 seconds. What alien planet of super-human abilities and eternal youth did this old bastard come from?

Keishin was so pissed off at his grandpa racking up prizes that he didn’t even care when Ittetsu put the stupid bell hat on his head and batted the tiny things around to make them tinkle. He just glared over Ittetsu at his grandfather who waited in line to hit a lever with a sledgehammer, where the goal was to swing with enough force to ring that bell at the top. There was no way. If Ikkei won this game, too, Keishin would—

His train of thought was derailed when someone bumped into his shoulder as they ran past.

Well, the young fellow wasn’t _running_ past Keishin, so much as he was being dragged by the arm, which was clutched by a familiar star player from an enemy team.

“Hey, it’s Oikawa and Iwaizumi,” Ittetsu said. “Oikawa looks so normal.”

Normal wasn’t exactly the way Keishin would describe Oikawa’s dress. However, he did agree that the Aoba Johsai setter seemed much less villainous when he was clinging to Iwaizumi happily.

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa exclaimed, pointing to the wall of prizes offered for the one who could ring the bell. “I want that huge unicorn!”

Iwaizumi was at last able to wrench his arm from Oikawa’s clutches. “I already won enough prizes for you, Greedy-kawa.”

Indeed, Oikawa was wearing a number of items that surely could only be carnival prizes: pink heart-shaped glasses, a lime green glowstick necklace, a plastic flower crown, and a feather boa in the team color of Seijoh cyan.

“But I _need_ that unicorn!” Oikawa explained. “It’s the biggest, best prize in this whole carnival. I deserve it, Iwa-chan.”

“If you deserved it, you would be able to win it for yourself,” Iwaizumi muttered. Even so, he took a spot in line for the game behind Old Coach.

“If I don’t deserve it, then I guess Iwa-chan won’t win it for me,” Oikawa replied with a smug smirk that told Keishin he was confident he would soon be the proud owner of a massive stuffed unicorn.

“What will you even _do_ with that thing once I win it for you?” Iwaizumi asked.

“Put it on display with all my other trophies, of course,” Oikawa replied.

“I may decide to keep it for myself,” Iwaizumi said.

“We’re up next!” Oikawa exclaimed with blossoming anticipation.

Iwaizumi didn’t bother to correct Oikawa’s use of the term “we”, when Iwaizumi would be doing all the work, as the old man ahead of them picked up the hammer for his turn.

“What will we name him?” Oikawa wondered. “I feel like we should name him after us. How about Torime? Or maybe Hajoru?”

“Stop talking about it like it’s our kid, Creepy-kawa.”

Oikawa was in the middle of asking Iwaizumi, “Why can’t you just—” when he was interrupted by the congratulatory DING! Of the bell.

Old Man Ukai handed the hammer back to the ticket-taker.

“Well done, sir!” the carnie praised him. “Pick any prize you want!”

Ikkei stroked his chin thoughtfully as he surveyed the offerings. His eyes landed on the biggest, best prize in the whole carnival. “I’ll take the giant unicorn,” he decided with a smirk.

Oikawa’s hair stood on end as he seized Iwaizumi’s arm again, and then screamed into the spiker’s ear, “Iwa-chan! That old man is kidnapping Hajoru!”

Iwaizumi winced and shoved Oikawa’s face away from the side of his head. “Stop calling it that! He won it fair and square. I’ll get you that big stuffed monkey.”

“A _monkey_?” Oikawa shrieked. “Take this seriously, Iwa-chan! This is _Hajoru_ we’re talking about! That old guy is about to walk away with our _baby_!”

“Two minutes ago you were calling it a trophy,” Iwaizumi pointed out.

“That was before I imagined taking him everywhere we go and becoming attached to him!” Oikawa wailed, his arms flailing in panic as Old Ukai began strolling away with Hajoru looking over his shoulder, clearly terrified being taken from his parents.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Iwaizumi questioned, peering studiously into Oikawa’s eyes as though he was going to find an answer in there somewhere.

Oikawa reached out and grabbed two fists full of Iwaizumi’s shirt, and began violently shaking him, dramatically yowling, “He’s getting away with our Hajoru!”

“What do you want me to do?” Iwaizumi demanded, knocking Oikawa’s hands down. “Steal a stuffed animal from a senior citizen?”

“Are you gonna make _me_ do it, Iwa-chan?”

“Psycho-kawa,” Iwaizumi grumbled, shoving Oikawa out of his way to go chase down Ikkei. “Looney-kawa. Nutcase-kawa. Batshit-kawa. Maniac-kawa.”

Oikawa trailed after Iwaizumi, wringing his hands in distress.

“Hey!” Iwaizumi called out as he caught up to Ikkei. “Uh…hello, sir. Can I buy that unicorn from you?”

“Eh?” Ikkei asked, coming to a stop. He shifted the ludicrously oversized stuffed animal in his arms so it was staring at Iwaizumi with massive glittery blue eyes. “You want my unicorn?”

“Yes,” Iwaizumi said, then emended his statement. The more he spoke, the tighter his jaw clenched, until he was speaking through gritted teeth. “Well, my…Oikawa really wants it.”

“Ah, you want it for someone else,” Old Ukai mused. “I see. How important is this to you?”

Oikawa’s face popped up over Iwaizumi’s shoulder. “It’s incredibly important, sir,” Oikawa started his explanation. “Iwa-chan was supposed to win that for me to prove—”

Iwaizumi brought his palm down on top of Oikawa’s head to push him out of view, and also considered smothering him while he was at it. “I need that unicorn so Spoiled-kawa will quit bothering me about it!”

“That’s a stupid reason,” Ikkei said. “If you don’t want to listen to him, why are you having around with him? I’m keeping my unicorn.”

Keishin had caught up with his grandfather just in time to hear Iwaizumi’s plea be denied. As Ikkei strod away with his unicorn, Keishin fell into step with him.

“What the hell are you gonna do with that thing, Gramps?” Keishin asked. “You could’ve made some money off that poor kid. And helped him score some points with his boyfriend.”

“If he wants points, he’s going to have to _earn_ them,” Ikkei shrugged.

Ittetsu smiled. “So you’ll give him another chance at the unicorn?”

“I’ll give him as many chances as he’s willing to take,” Old Ukai replied. “Let’s go get our faces painted!”

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my sister and my nephew who came up with a lot of these ideas in our group text.


End file.
